"I want to thank you all for your support and commit to you that I'll carry out the various promises I made over the last year, " Ellis said.  "At least the ones I can remember."
Ellis outlined his plans to control spending and practice fiscal responsibility.  "First off I'll start evaluating expenses line by line," he said.  Ellis' speech was temporarily interrupted when a waiter carrying a heavy silver tray tripped over a microphone cord spilling caviar and champagne over the podium.

"As I said last May, I'm for mom and apple pie and against crime.  I plan to make crime a number one priority of this administration," Ellis said.  The speech was interrupted again by noise on the streets outside. 
The auditorium doors were shut to squelch the sound of fire engines and sirens on their way to a looting and burning rampage a mile away.   Over the din of squawking radios carried by dozens of police officers, Ellis pronounced, "Let's party!"

The mayor called on the transit authority to expand routes and extend its hours, noting that many people who might have attended the inauguration didn't because transit service ends at 7 p.m. "Of course, we might not have let them in without tuxedos, but that's another issue. We might have packed this hall if the buses were running. Heck, I had to thumb a ride over here myself," Ellis said.

With all the controversy over the smoking booths at the Bibb County courthouse, the fish living in the aquariums at the Bibb County court house are voicing their grievances. "The fish deserve some privacy in their daily lives," said Charlie Tuna, spokesman for the fish. "We think that some mini-blinds and some fresh air are the least they should expect. Living in a glass tank where people stop and gawk is bad enough, but when some little brat is always tapping the aquarium, it's maddening. These fish simply want the chance to close the blind and unwind every now and then," Tuna said.

Other fish grievances include passersby that flick cigarette ashes or butts in the water or those who blow smoke into the tank's aeration system. "Those whiny Bibb employees are always griping about their environment making them sick. We can't tell you how many fish have been found floating in these tanks. It's really a nightmare," Tuna said.

State Court Judge William P. "Bill" Adams and Probate Court Judge William J. Self II raised questions about the proposed smoking booths in separate letters to the commissioners. "Besides the space issue, they're just plain silly looking things and they're expensive," Adams said. "Why don't we just order an airtight space suit for Justice and his clerk like the Apollo astronauts wore? Then they could hop around and collect rocks and chain-smoke like they always have."

Judge Self expressed other concerns. "I'm opposed to the blinds and the other private activities in these booths," Self said. "I hear John Chambers is working on a deal to open Boss Hogg's II and offer table dances for smokers in these booths. This is getting out of hand."

Disclaimer: The accounts, quotes and stories on this page are wholly fictitious and intended as satire and humor. Although real names may be used and all good humor has an element of truth, this stuff ain't real. If you didn't already know these stories were bogus, then you're not too bright. --Steve Scroggins